Joshua Gizelt (swashbuckler332) wrote,
Joshua Gizelt

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Hard Decisions

There are times in life in which one comes to a difficult crossroads. One choice leads down a self-destructive path but is the easier decision to make at the time. The other is the one that is the healthier, but is the more painful.

I have just had to make one such choice and, frankly, I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel. I am lucky at the moment to still be in shock, but there are times when I think about the moment that I actually did what I had to do (and the reaction), and I am flooded with many emotions, most of them conflicting with one another.

I truly believe that, as painful as it is to deal with now, it is the best for me in the long run. It is difficult to be satisfied with that knowledge because of how hard the reality of it feels like. I was, however, placed in a position in which, had I hung in there and waited out the painful situation, there was no guarantee that the outcome would be what I would have endured all that for. By ending that, by walking away from that, I am protecting myself.

I didn't want to walk away, though. Every cell in my body was screaming not to do what I was doing while I was doing it. "Hold out," they said, "hold out for the glimmer of hope."

I couldn't do that.

There are many reasons for why I could not. Strong emotions and issues dealing with trust were at the crux of the problem. I wonder if I have not waited too long, and that I should have walked away when it first became apparent that there were different wavelengths at work... certainly the rage would have cushioned this somewhat. But that rage is (mostly) spent, and instead there is a terrible emptiness.

The emptiness is finite, however. It will eventually pass. I don't know how long the hell I was going through would have lasted had I not decided to do what I did, but it looked like a long, long journey.

I try to avoid entries in my Live Journal that stare into the abyss, and I have, in general, been able to stick to that guideline. Today, however, I don't feel much doing so, and it is my Journal, so fuck you if you don't like it.

I am currently watching a cat placing his head under the tap and drinking by licking the drops as it comes down his head. This is how he drinks, and that's the strangest thing I've ever seen a cat do.
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