Joshua Gizelt (swashbuckler332) wrote,
Joshua Gizelt

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Sometimes it just clicks

This floated across my mother's computer a little while ago. Every once and a while you see something like this that just happens to hit the nail right on the head. Those examples that didn't happen to me per se are those that I know have happened to some people I've known growing up...

Are you Jewish?

There are some English words that when said by someone with a Yiddish accent, take on a whole new meaning. For example, if you would have asked my dad what the word wrench meant, he would have said something like the following: A wrench is where the cowboys live.

The only really good advice that your Jewish mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

You know you're a Jew if: You watched Ed Sullivan every Sunday night, and your parents laughed out loud at Myron Cohen.

You spent your entire childhood thinking everyone called pot roast "brisket."

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.

Every Saturday (or Sunday) morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish ("chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited) ... all of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.

Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives. You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of nine. You were as tall as your grandfather by the age nine and a half.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz.)

You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean, kinahurra.

You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.

Your grandparent's newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents could not read.

You thought speaking loud was normal.

You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.

You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.

You're compelled to mention your grandmother's (or any other relative's) "steel cannonballs" upon tasting fluffy matzo balls.

Your mother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if they were relatives.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food

Yiddish word for Today: PULKES (PUHL-kees) THIGHS
note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.

Matzoh balls should be light and fluffy. That's not how they taste the best though. Optimally, matzoh balls should be like those little metal balls you shoot out of a flintlock.

Yes, Pesah is coming. Once again, I reflect on how much I love that holiday despite my dislike of religion as a whole. Of course, the first night of Pesach my family and I are going to see Spam-A-Lot as well, so there are quite a few things for me to look forward too...
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