Joshua Gizelt (swashbuckler332) wrote,
Joshua Gizelt

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For years my grandfather had this on one of his cabinets. It made me laugh for years. Last night, for some reason I thought of it, and when I came today to my grandparents' house, neither myself nor my grandfather could find the damn thing. Luckily, the internet exists, and I was able to find the text to share it.

Alles touristen und non-technischen peepers!

Das machine control is nicht fur gerfinger-poken und mittengrabben. Oderwise is easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowen fuse, und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Der machine is diggen by experten only. Is nicht fur geverken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseenen keepen das cotten picken hands in das pockets, so relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights.

Another interesting story regarding my grandfather. He writes poetry. Each birthday, anniversary, graduation or whatever card my grandparents give has a few lines composed by him. However, once he wrote a bit that I thought was quite hilarious when I was seven. I wrote it on the bathroom stall at my grade school (P.S. 221, that is North Hills School). Many years later, while reminiscing about 221 with Raz (who went there as well but was a year older than myself), he brought up that there was this funny thing written on the bathroom stall. Sure enough, it was what I inscribed.
Here I sit among the vapor,
Waiting for some toilet paper.
How much longer must I linger,
Before I must use my finger?

While looking for the "gerfinger-pokin" sign, I did come across something I had written long, long ago that I entitled "Geek Myths." While they are not particularly well written, I thought some of my ideas were pretty funny.

For example, Apollo's sun... er... son was a guido, which explains why he was so eager to get his hands on his dad's ride. Zues was the don of the god mob and Hermes was the go-fer.

Athena's gifts to Perseus included a helmet that was so tacky everyone who saw it would pretend not to have seen you, which was how he avoided Medusa's deadly gaze.

Heracles was a brilliant neurosurgeon until a brain injury diverted him into sports, where he became famous for his twelve great feats of strength...
01. Killing the Creamy Lion.
02. Defeating Godzilla at Tokyo.
03. Nobody remembers. Apparently you had to be there to be impressed.
04. Capturing a tall, gray rabbit with a Bostonian accent.
05. Cleaning out the Royal Latrines of Ack.
06. Defeating Alfred Hitchcock's birds.
07. Capturing some horse.
08. Yoking the Incredible Defecating Bull of Cretin.
09. Actually picking up a girl by whistling and making lewd gestures.
10. Stampeding Roy Rogers' cattle through the Vatican (kinky).
11. Getting three Gold'n Delicious apples that didn't have deadly pesticides.
12. Using a blonde transvestite to bait King Kong to his death.

Well, I chuckled anyway.
Tags: stories
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